Genuine Interested VS Trying to Prove That You Are Smart

So long didn't blog, and I really want to blog about going to see the Badminton Super Series Masters Finals although it's stale news and happened so long ago :p... it was the BEST. DAY. EVER.....period..... so look out for that...haha

However, my semester just started and everything is in such a blur rush right now... had an assignment due on 31st December - luckily over and done with; have another one due this Fri (9 Jan) - not finished yet (going to burn midnight oil on Thursday).In addition to all those assignments, I still need to prepare for tutorials, which are freaking stressful coz u kinda need to compete and fight for the chance to talk... tutorials account for 10% of our finals. And you can't just talk, you need to know what are you talking about...

Had a 2 hour tort tutorial session today. So freaking tired because last night was up till bout 3am trying to prepare for it. This morning I was so very reluctant to get out of bed, started to wander whether I can pull myself thru the day...Not sure whether it was a blessing or not (prefer to think of it as a blessing though), after my first lecture today, I accidentally (you know me not being fully awake and all) left my pencil case in the lecture hall, and I was so worried I won't find it back (the pencil case was with me since form 2, got 2 pendrives inside and my mechanical pencil that has followed me since Primary 3) that I was literally scared (verb not adjective) till I was awake (bei xia dao xing - since I reformatted my com, language bar disappeared, someone plz tell me how to get it back, I want to type my Chinese)....but luckily I found it back (I mean my pencil case), nothing missing...<3

So after that my brain was ticking, not sleepy anymore....but tutorial class....hmmm.... dunno whether it was a disaster or not....started off alright, then I was attempting to answer this question and I got stuck in the middle of my answer, forgot what I was saying and literally asked my lecturer a STUPID question...after that, I felt so stupid....so embarrassing...dunno how to face my lecturer again...although I know she doesn't mind...

If you remember in one of my previous posts, I said I actually enjoyed my tort tutorials, and I still do, Prof Nor is a really good tutor and she brings in all these interesting topics to discuss about... after today, I suddenly had a revelation: sometimes the problem with me is that I try too hard, to a point where it's not about trying to deepen my understanding anymore, but I'm just trying to prove that I'm smart; instead of letting my own curiousity lead me on - that is what probably happened today. Sometimes I wonder whether I am that interested in law, or am I just interested to prove that I am smart? If it's the latter, then basically I can study anything, it doesn't matter so long as I'm good at it... that is so freaking SHALLOW ... and I'm not shallow (at least I don't mean to be)...but I suppose that goes in line with the kiasu spirit that I've been brought up in all my life, although I' trying real hard to change that into a more positive and healthy kiasu-ness... and it doesn't help when u're told (very often) that u're (kinda) smart since you were young... somehow it makes you assume you are smarter than most ppl and when you're with so many other smart ppl, it kinda makes you feel you've lost ur special-ness....

I really need a change, mayb that should be my new year resolution: stop trying to prove that I'm smart, but try to be genuinely interested in what I learn. I don't need to be smart to be special, I'M ALREADY SPECIAL THE WAY GOD MADE ME. I SO believe I will benefit more from doing the latter, and I would probably perform better naturally... and it's not like I'm not genuinely interested, just that sometimes I let myself be distracted by other motives....

A lesson well learnt... a good way (although my ego was hurt and I felt really bad) to kick start the semester... Will really try to remember this throughout my learning process(es) (they say you learn as long as you live), so I've gotta keep this in mind. The embarrassment was probably God's way of telling me I'm getting all my motives wrong....so you who are reading this: take heed and do not repeat my mistake!

Have a blessed day!!!